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Angry Atheist Day   
12:55am 20/06/2006
  You're such an inspiration for the ways

That I'll never ever choose to be

Oh so many ways for me to show you

How the savior has abandoned you

Fuck your God

Your Lord and your Christ

He did this

Took all you had and

Left you this way

Still you pray, you never stray

Never taste of the fruit

You never thought to question why



It's not like you killed someone

It's not like you drove a hateful spear into his side

Praise the one who left you

Broken down and paralyzed

He did it all for you

He did it all for you



Oh so many many ways for me to show you

How your dogma has abandoned you

Pray to your Christ, to your god

Never taste of the fruit

Never stray, never break

Never---choke on a lie

Even though he's the one who did this to you

You never thought to question why



Not like you killed someone

It's Not like you drove a spiteful spear into his side

Talk to Jesus Christ

As if he knows the reasons why

He did it all for you

Did it all for you

He did it all for you..

A Perfect Circle "Judith"

Dunno why, just an angry atheist day for me I guess.
 
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Maybe I should update   
12:51pm 13/06/2006
 
mood: okay
Its been a few weeks, figure I should update this. The last few weeks have been relatively eventful by "Summers in High Point" standards. Aunt Denise came down for Dad's birthday. I got a raise. Didn't get to go to Boone because I caught a virus from mom and dad. Got my car window fixed (sorta). Had the best weekend of the summer so far. This past weekend was, in a word, great. Brandon's parents were out of town, so I went over Friday and Saturday night when I got off of work and we sat outside drinking liquor (Friday) or beer (Saturday) and smoking cigars and singing the praises of the fairer sex, since Sushi decided they should "Take a break" he had a lot to contribute this time instead of me. His friend Alex came over Saturday and we all had a grand ole time. Went to IHOP Sunday morning and had another good time with them making jokes. Alex is a cool guy, hopefully we'll get to hang out again. Work has been alright so far. We haven't really had much going on. Been kind of busy, which is a nice change of pace (when I have help). I'm covering Lance's shift tonight, I should've asked him who I was working with. Hopefully not Marcus. He's a nice guy and I like working with him, but when its just him and me, bad things happen. Eh its juts 4 hours on a Tuesday. We don't really get that busy (hopefully today will be nice and slow) I don't work the broiler well and neither does Marc. We're fine if thats all we have to concentrate on. But if theres just two of us we'll be splitting our attention between 2 or 3 other stations as well and thats when steaks get over cooked and I get yelled at, since I'd probably be the Window man. Eh well. I asked off work Friday and Saturday afternoon so I can go up to Boone and be with my friends for a night and get drunk. I think I'm gonna get a bottle of brandy and a pack of cigars and just enjoy myself. 15 bucks for a night of enjoyment, can't beat that. Eh well, Peace
 
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Randomness And Worries   
02:25am 26/05/2006
 
mood: stressed
So the other day I went to the lake. It was nice and relaxing, a good place to collect my thoughts and/or take a quick nap. Lately my thoughts have been about 2 things: money and women. The womenfolk, well thats typical, so we shant discuss. Money, on the other hand, blah. Its a well known fact I should've been jewish the way I pinch pennies sometimes. However, with work only giving me 3 shifts a week, grant it, the good shifts, I can't help but worry about next semester. Mostly it hinges on when I get my refund check back for my loans. If I get it early, I'll be ok, cause thats a big chunk of money to live on while I get situated in a job, but if it doesn't come for awhile...I'm gonna have to run on whatever money I make at Garfield's these next 2 months...excluding what I spend buying stuff for my apartment. I refuse to ask my parents for money though, unless things get really desperate, like I can't feed myself up at school. Rent shouldn't be a problem, I think when I did the math the money I get back per-semester covers rent and roughly 450-500 dollars for power over the course of 6 months with around 1,000 bucks or so for food and what not. Seriously though, I don't know what I'm worrying about. I know I need a job up there to be safe, which I will get one, because I hate being in debt to anyone and asking mom and dad for money will kill me, even though I know they'd give it to me if I was reasonable about it. Gah. Budgeting, thats the solution. I know how to budget roughly, so I should be able to figure something out like, per week, so I have money and can stretch it out. Alcohol is the real killer for me, but I guess since all my drinking buddies aren't within walking distance anymore, that shouldn't be much of a problem anymore. Sigh. I stress too much. I'm gonna give myself grey hairs before I'm 20 I swear, but when it comes to money, Mom and Dad don't help with their "you need a 2nd job" despite no one wanting to hire a guy for just 2 months. I have a horrible time lying to people or "not telling the whole story" when it comes to employment. I can't bring myself to be like "oh yeah, I'm gonna be here forever" Sigh. I'm too much of a nice guy too, or an honest guy I should say. Blah. I should go to bed, I work tomorrow night and I could use the distraction from the usual boring things I do around the house. Hanging out with Brandon the last few days has been a much needed relief from the mundane of playing video games to pass the time...something I've noticed isn't anywhere near as pleasurable as it was 2 years ago before college. Hmm I'm growing up. So this entry has shown:
I stress about things way too much
I'm too damn honest
I'm getting old
Peace
 
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Oh Freud   
02:31pm 24/05/2006
  "The great question… which I have not been able to answer, despite my 30 years of research into the feminine soul, is 'What does a woman want?'." - Sigmund Freud

Even Freud couldn't do it. What is with women?
 
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01:57pm 23/05/2006
   
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Meh   
04:00pm 22/05/2006
 
mood: exhausted
Eh so I suppose I should update. Work has been ok. Its not so bad when you learn to stop expecting management to do whats right. Its sad when you have to get used to being fucked over. I worked 9 hours yesterday, plus or minus some. Of course there were 3 of us, Marcus, Shane and me. Of coures they sent Shane home at 6. Of course me and Marc got fucked. Typical. I ended up passing out pretty much when I came home. Woke up at like 12:30 in the morning, ended up going with Brandon to Jake's Diner at 1:30 in the morning. Apparently he's having a late-teens crisis. His dad apparently messed his back up around Thanksgiving and didn't tell anyone about it until recently. Brandon feels that hes just wasting his parents money at NYU. Eh, I didn't know what to tell him but he just wanted someone to talk to. So we drove around High Point sipping on a bottle of brandy (not wise, but fun) Eh I gotta work tonight, then I'm off till Friday. I'm excited, I need a break. I worked like 23 hours between Thursday and Sunday, hopefully I'll manage to get more than just 2 tonight. It'd be nice to break 300 bucks on my next check, but I'm not gonna hold my breath. Eh, thats it for now. Peace
 
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12:59am 12/05/2006
 
mood: discontent
So yeah, work sucks. It seems like every time I go back to Garfield's it gets trashier and trashier and the average IQ drops 20 points. It just seems like the managerment doesn't care anymore. I remember when I first started working there things ran great for the most part. Staff was pretty competent. When I started cooking, prep was done usually with enough to spare, and we had enough people working so we could get out at a reasonable time and not worry about staying an hour past closing. Instead, Jonesy fuckin told cook Shane to stay home because they had "too many cooks" which basically left Lance and me to cook tonight. We were swamped. Even had a table get up and leave because the food was taking so long. Then we stayed an extra hour and 20 minutes to clean and break down everything. It was shitty and completely unfair to us. Jonesy didn't really help either, he cut more potatoe skins...after I found a pan of them already and we didnt need more. Sigh. I miss the old days. I even told Lance I kinda missed Jonathan. Yeah he was an asshole, but he was a better GM than John. At least Jonathan would help us and he could cook. John can't do shit. My hours are all fucked too. I'm not working Friday or Saturday night. What the hell is with that? 2 nights that are prime hours, and I'm not on the schedule for them. I fuckin have to work Saturday afternoon at 11, I never worked Saturday afternoons. Restaurant is going to hell I swear. I'm hopefully gonna knock some of those tests out though and get a raise, whice I'm going ot need apparently, because no one is going to want to hire me for 3 months for the kind of money I need. Fuckers. Peace
 
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02:00pm 11/05/2006
 






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Ibiza Bar   
09:14pm 07/05/2006
 
mood: bored
So I suppose I'm long passed due for an update. Well, school is over fortunately. I don't think I've ever wanted to get away from App so bad before. Dunno why, maybe its the anticipation of living in an apartment and never having to stay in a dorm again. Perhaps its because next semester I'm actually talking classes that interest me, with the exception of speed reading...thats hardly an interest so much as a need. So the grades panned out much the way I expected, with a couple of minor suprises. Failed Astronomy, but that was expected since I needed a 90 on the final to pass the class and I only knew half the test well enough to feel confident about them. C- in State and Local, not really what I expected, figured it would be lower, a semi pleasent turn of events. B- in OT Lit, disappointing, but not all that unexpected, his last test and the final were hard as hell. A- in Tech Writing, which I didn't expected. That must mean I either impressed the hell out of her with my presentation or she didn't factor in the 4th absence I had that should've lowered my grade a letter. I'm not complaining though, its my first A in a year, I needed the moral boost, even I was beginning to think I was a worthless student. However, the F presented a problem, I never failed anything before. While I knew I was probably going to get it, it was still a shock to the system to read my grade report and see it. I felt kinda ill, but it passed pretty quickly. I had to tell dad at some point, so I did what I usually do when I don't do well: told mom first. She told me dad already knew...sneaky bastard already checked my grades online. Guess that was a good thing, since I waited till my last grade was in to tell him about it (fortuantely it was the A- so it was a good one to come back with). He must have had time to cool down or get used to the idea, cause he didn't seem terribly pissed with me, though, last year he seemed that way and broke out the "you need to transfer" bullshit on mothers day. Lets hope he doesnt do that again this year. So far break has been ok, but boring. I went back to Garfield's to get my job back and am starting Tuesday, so gotta be excited about that. Lance wants to train me as the Window Man, though I dunno why. Might have something to do with Will quitting a week or so ago, anyway, gonna get a raise hopefully when I take a test or two, so that'll be good. Brandon ended up going to the hospital right when he got back. Apparently the ulcers they thought he had for the last few years were gal-stones or whatever, so he had his galbladder removed. He came home today, figure me and him will probably hang out some tomorrow. I've become addicted to Pink Floyd's "More" album. Its suprisingly good, I highly recommend it. Anyway, thats enough for now. Peace
 
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Hahaha   
08:36pm 03/05/2006
  On the first day of school a first grade teacher explains to her class that she is a Red Sox fan. She asks her class to raise their hands if they are too. Wanting to impress the teacher, everyone in the class raises their hand except one little girl. The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says "Janie why didnt you raise your hand?"

"Because Im not a Red Sox fan", she replied.

The teacher still shocked, asked "Well, if your not a Red Sox fan then who are you a fan of?"

"I'm a Yankees fan and proud of it", Janie replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears.

"Janie why are you a Yankees fan?"

"Cuz my mom and dad are both Yankees fans, so I'm a Yankees fan too!"

"Well", said the teacher in an annoyed tone "that is no reason for you to be a Yankees fan. You dont have to be just like your parents all the time. What if your mom was an idiot and your dad was a moron what would you be then?"

"Then", Janie smiled "I'd be a Red Sox fan"
 
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Now that we're here, so far away   
08:14pm 22/04/2006
  I need sleep.
Bad.
I've only got like 4 or 5 good nights of sleep in the last 3 weeks. I hate the end of a semester, and love it at the same time. On one hand I wish I didn't have to deal with this wierd ass insomnia/can't sleep bullshit, and on the other, I really want to get away from here. 10 more days and I'll be back in High Point, away from Appalachian State. I'm not looking forward to going home so much as I'm looking forward to working. Things are a lot simpler when you work. You have something to do on a fairly regular basis. Plus I miss the guys at Garfields. I think I really just want to get away from the women folk around here. I realized I really have no idea how to approach women. Sad, yes. But anyway, I ended up having a grand ole 4:20. Cops and 2 mile walks at 5 in the morning abound. Ah well, I'm gonna go try to nap. Peace
 
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A restless eye across a weary room   
08:19pm 19/04/2006
 
mood: thoughtful
So we were sitting in Old Testament today learning about the prophets (Isaiah, Micah, and Habakkuk) and we got to talk about Habakkuk quesitoning god's motives and why he lets shit rain down on humanity and what not. For some reason it got me thinking about the Tower of Babel in Genesis 11. Why is god so afraid that humanity will build this massive tower to the heavens (lollerskates to that anyway) now that they all spoke the same language and lived in the same place. Yeah I understand the whole "God said to go forth and multiply so they needed to go other places" bullshit we were taught in class, but seriously...did god really think that humanity wouldn't spread on our own? Also, why is it such a threat that we all speak the same language? Sure theres the argument god is "angry because the tower is built to their own glory," but thats not really all that different from creating a world to hold dominion over. Maybe this story suggests that god is worried that a united humanity that realizes its own power to shape the world wouldnt need a "supreme being" to kneel to. Otherwise, I see no pointin destroying the tower and scattering humanity and twisting their languages. Thats another thing...language evolved over time, it couldn't be created in a single instant. I suppose though, this was some hardcore Godly-foresight. After all, in Habakkuk God says that he is rousing the Babylonians to destroy the Assyrians who destroyed the Northern Kingdom. Later on God turns on the Babylonians too. So I guess its kind of important to prevent humanity from uniting...makes it hard for them to do God's work and kill each other if they're friends. I don't think I'll ever understand Christianity. The whole concept of "God lets bad things happen to teach humanity a lesson: that he loves them" seems kind of oxymoronic. Yeah its a good idea...if it worked. You let your kid touch the hot stove and they'll never do it again, but its difficult to have tragic shit happen over and over again when humanity goes astray from god. I mean, thats sorta like "Fucking for Virginity" it makes no sense once you realize it doesn't seem to work, plus it goes against the whole "God is omnibenevolent" thing...or at least, my concept of benevolent. I'd like to think I wouldn't have left the burner on for my kid to burn himself in the first place, so you'd think God would leave no doubt about his/her/it's existance. Guess that just isn't in the game plan, and life really is just a game. A game with the same ending. I watched Last Samurai last night with Kieran, Benson, Steve, Megan, and some girl named Ashleigh, and it got me thinking about how these Samurai, non-christians with no belief in a wonderful afterlife, were so eager to throw their life away for a cause they believed in, but I know dozens of Christians who are afraid of death. Aren't they confident they'll go to heaven? Maybe not. Someone once accused me of believing life is pointless if theirs no reward in the end. Why do you need a reward to live? Isn't it enough to be alive even for the miniscule amount of time it is in the grand scheme of things? I'd like to think that when I die I will accomplish at least 2 things: pass on my family name and leave a lasting impression on a younger persons life. When I die I don't want a coffin or anything like that. I just want to be put in the earth to decomposs naturally. Matter is never created or destroyed, a part of me would live forever. I don't have to exist in some planer utopia to be content that my essence will exist forever in some way. Thats enough ranting for now though. Peace
 
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Was it love or was it the idea of being in love   
01:24am 16/04/2006
 
mood: apathetic
So yeah, apathy isnt good. I did nothing today. It probably doesn't help that my car is fucking dead and good for nothing. I was going to go outside today, or hell, even do laundry. But after the way this semester has gone, I just wanted to sit here and kill things (video games are great, people don't give them enough credit). So I talked to Tara for the first time in almost a month. It was awkward at first. Didn't help that she didn't really talk much. All she wanted was to return my spare Morrowind disc. I wasn't expecting some serious groundbreaking shit, Janie seemed to think there was some sort of underlying reason why she suddenly wanted to talk, but I'm not one for hoping for implausable shit to happen and make things go my way. I'm proud of myself. I didn't feel sick at all when I talked to her, and I don't think I was overly rude, if rude at all. Perhaps we'll talk again. I kinda got the "Look Brian I just wanted tie up loose ends, goodbye" vibe, so we'll see how that works out. Ah well. You know, this makes me realize that its been a long ass time since I actually had something serious to talk about. I miss the old days when I could rattle off and good ole political rant or a religious rant or talk about shit that pisses me off. Apathy man, its killing me. Well, guess thats it for now. Peace
 
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Pink Floyd is better than your favorite band, period   
05:38pm 13/04/2006
 
mood: amused
Listened to a lot of Floyd today. Its been enjoyable, to say the least. I'm not sure why I felt the need to listen to it, I guess it just always made me think. Considering I don't have class today on account of Dr. Horowitz being Jewish and going to NYC for passover, I guess today's topic is religion. It has occoured to me that, after 19 years, I finally know what I believe and don't believe. Its comforting to finally feel secure in that. I think it hit me last night, when Benson and me watched "What Dreams May Come." Usually when I've watched movies that depict heaven and hell, I always felt a pang of, I dunno, fear I guess. Maybe not fear, but I would feel worried. What if I was wrong? What if there really is an afterlife? Its a pretty sure thing that if the major religions have it right, I'll be burning in a fiery hell. Since apparently its cool to be created with free will and the ablility to reason things out for yourself, but if you decide something thats "wrong" you get punished for it. Kinda ignorant if you ask me. But I digress. So watching the movie, I didn't even flinch when Robin Williams went to the "hell" where lost souls go and what not. It was comforting. Sadly, being comfortable with what I believe certainly doesn't help with the way others see me. To this day I can name at least half a dozen people who are uncomfortable talking about religion with me. I know I've lost friends becamse I'm an atheist. Had to deal with it in relationships too, those are always fun. "Oh I love you it doesnt matter that you're an atheist" then a few months later "Yeah, about that..." I suppose its only fair. I tend to have a rather dismal opinion of most people who are religion, or rather, a distrust. Most of the time we just don't talk about it and things are fine. I'd venture a guess that at least 3/4 of my friends don't know I'm an atheist, and only a handful have actually had a conversation with me about it, be it because they're curious or they want to try and bring me over to their side. I suppose I have a right to be untrusting of them. After all, unless I were running for a small time position in politics, I'd never win if I ran in an election. Pretty sad. Damn, then being a yankee in the Bible Belt. I swear, I think it bothers people more that I'm from New Jersey than that I'm an atheist. Just another one of those damn "Yankee liberal carpetbagging heathens." Well, off to more Floyd. Peace
 
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Oh Dan Brown, why do you fuck with my head so?   
03:39pm 10/04/2006
 
mood: indifferent
So last night I stayed up till 4:30 reading Dan Brown's "Angels and Demons." Finishing it, rather. I started it like Friday or Thursday and didn't really get into it until this afternoon. I read about 200 pages yesterday, culminating in the incredbily head-exploding ending. I have officially decided that I would probably have Dan Brown's babies if I could. Its been a long ass time since I found an author who actually made me want to read. Like, I've read Marx and Nietzche and great thinkers and such. They're all pretty boring. I mean, I have 2 thick ass compilations of Marx and Nietzche's works. I think I've read like half of the Marx one and well, Nietzche is dry to say the least. Fiction is infinitely more interesting. Especially when the fiction has facts woven into it.

For some reason my mind has been in a very imaginative mood lately, probably Dan Brown's fault. I've always had an incredible imagination. Guess its a perk to being an only child, and you have to play by yourself. I figured I should let it run. Sure enough, I decided to start writing again. I haven't written anything other than poetry since my sophomore year of high school so long ago. Its been interesting. Its not good, I've read better prose on a bathroom stall, but it lets me escape from Boone, and escape is what I need. Who knows, maybe I'll let someone read it someday. I'll actually probably go back to writing it after I finish here.

I've also had some realizations lately. I always knew I acted a bit old for my age sometimes. I just never realized it until today. So Janie apparently stuck crab legs that she had from a restaurant on some girls door, adorned with tampons and condom wrappers and what not, in retaliation for this girl erasing peoples boards aroudn the hall. She thinks its hilarious. I think its childish. To say the least. Benson feels the same way I do, so that leads me to think, maybe its not so much that I act older, but that some people are too immature for their age. Its sad that she thinks thats so funny. Its disgusting. She said East Hall was worse, but the only time anyone ever taped trash to someones door, it was done by friends, not people who didn't like them. Blah. Maybe I am too old for my age though. Anyway. So I saw Tara this weekend in the hall. It was the first time I saw her since before Spring Break when I didn't have a feeling of digust in the pit of my stomach. You now that feeling that you get when you feel betrayed. I kind of wonder if she reads this, or anyone who knows her. I still refuse to say anything other than pleasentries like "hello" and "How are you" to her. I have no intention of saying more to her. I still maintain that if she did truely want to be my friend she would have made an effort at more than just unavoidable talking in the hall. Though the longer it goes on, the more I realize there was never any point in thinking about trying to maintain a friendship with her. Shes happy with her boyfriend and, while I do miss hanging out with her, I'm beginning to feel that women in college, like those back in high school, just aren't worth worrying about anymore. Shes still the one of maybe 3 girls I've met here that I had common interests with and who I could look at as more than just someone to lust after. I oft times think I made a mistake coming to Appalachian State University. Peace
 
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Facebook Stuff   
02:25pm 09/04/2006
  So I was dicking around on Facebook just now and found this left on somebody's wall. I thought it was funny and more or less true. So I thought I would share the Rules As Men See Them.

1. Men ARE not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday sports. It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport.
And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .

1. You can either ask us to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If it itches, it will Be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear Is fine... Really.

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,
or golf.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight; but did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.
 
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Memories   
10:44pm 06/04/2006
 
mood: sleepy
So for the last few months I've intentionally tried to keep out of politics and whats going on in the world. Tonight for some wierd reason I decided to go to CNN.com and see whats goin on. Ended up reading about this Zacarias Moussaoui fellow who was part of the conspiracy to attack the World Trade Center. Yeah. I personally hope they fry him, or give him the lethal injection, without an alcohol swab by jobe! He doesn't deserve the swab. Its wierd how I have trouble remembering what I did the other day, but I can remember that day clearly. I know its supposed to be one of those things you "never forget," but at the same time I wish I could. Its hard though. There are reminders everywhere. The war. Politics. Distrust toward Muslims. Airport hassle. It makes you appreciate the time you spent as a kid, when all you really cared about was getting out of school and going outside to play. I mean, you never had to worry about war and death and what is going to happen in the world. Could just be me though, I've met a lot of people up here whose only worries are finding a really good party and someone to hook up with. Maybe its just another way I'm "an old man trapped in a 19 year old's body" as I've been told before. Eh well. I've decided not to go home for Easter Break. I figured it would be nice to stay up here. Mom and Dad may come up the weekend after Easter and go to a Track and Field meet and visit me. That would be nice, but yeah. I had a presentation today in Tech. Writing on my project. It went well. I remember a few years ago I would've been incoherent with my babbling and stuttering. We even went 5 minutes over our time. I was rather pleased. Hmm, well. I guess thats about it. Peace
 
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Mmm lottery   
01:40pm 06/04/2006
 
mood: hopeful
So basically, I love the lottery. I have no clue why. You never actually win any decent amount of money except like on rare occasions. Its just, fun I suppose. I ended up winning 7 bucks last night, so today Benson and Steve went to Subway to con them out of some free food and then I went to Phil's to buy more lottery tickets...Only won 3 bucks this time, so I'm down 3 bucks overall since I started playing, but considering I've only put in 6 bucks since the lottery started I suppose thats not so bad. When powerball starts at the end of May...oh hell its gonna be over. Mom and dad and me will be broke as piss probably. Ah well. So things have been ok so far. I've got an oral presentation in Tech Writing in about 2 hours. Not looking forward to that but the sooner I get it over with the sooner I can get back and drink or some such. I'm thinking of picking up a bottle of brandy and giving it a whirl. Its not really that expensive, youc an get a bottle for like 9 bucks, but I doubt its high class stuff. So long as it doesnt taste like straight dick it should be ok. So last night I went to Wendys with Natalie and Teresa. Had a fun time. Spent a lot of it talking about my derranged ex/their derranged friend Tracy. Made me laugh, and I really like Natalie. Its a sticky situation, since I used to like Teresa and she still kinda likes me I think. Plus she does live with Tracy, who is apparently still extremely "possessive" of me and like freaks out when she finds them talking to me. This weekend though I'm going up to App Heights to hang out Natalie alone hopefully, lol for the first time ever I think. I'm thinkin good things. If not, well, shit happens. Peace

She dreams a champagne dream
Strawberry surprise, pink linen and white paper
Lavender and cream
Fields of butterflies, reality escapes her
She says that love is for fools who fall behind
And I'm somewhere in between
I never really know
A killer from a savior
'Til I break at the bend
It's too far away for me to hold
It's too far away...
Guess I'll let it go
 
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Some Thoughts   
01:57am 03/04/2006
 
mood: thoughtful
So I've had a lot of time to think over the course of this shitty weekend. I've realized there are a few basic things I should live by.

Mourning is for family. A friend's passing should be spent reflecting on how you were privleged to call them a friend, and to help them live on in your memories of them.

The only woman you can ever really trust is your mother, once you get over the whole "Santa Claus/Easter Bunny/Tooth Fairy" thing.

Certain people should not be aloud to drink, or they should wear collars that electocute them when they put X amount of alcohol in their body. Examples of this are Shawn and Janie.

Urinating on someones door, while funny, especially when they are the bitches who dont talk or socialize at all, is pretty nasty in the end...Shawn

Reading is highly underrated

The summer could come any sooner. This semester has sucked ass. I will never have to see/speak to Tara again except on the odd chance I see her around campus next year. Sometimes I wonder if she still thinks of me, but probably only when my music is obnoxiously loud and I know she can hear it. Anyway, shes another reason for the whole "Don't Trust WOmen" thing. Moving right along.

I'm home alone tonight.
Full moon illuminates my room, and sends my mind aflight.
I think I was dreaming up some thoughts that were seemingly
possible...with you.
So I call you on the tin can phone.
We rendezvous at a quarter-two, and make sure we're alone.
I think I've found a way for you and I to finally fly free.
When we get there, we're gonna go far away.
Making sure to laugh; while we experience anti-gravity.
For years, I kept it to myself.
Now potentialities are bound, and sleeping under my shelf.
Simply choose your destination from the diamond canopy,
and we'll be there.
So I call you on the tin can phone.
We rendezvous at a quarter-two, and make sure we're alone.
I think I've found the way for you and I to finally be free
 
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So yeah   
12:36am 01/04/2006
 
mood: blank
I definitely drank some vodka tonight and ordered pizza to make me feel better, and ended up talking to Sarah and Brandon and having a good 20 or 30 minute cry. I've found that, with the exception of running or talking to police, crying is the best way to sober you up. Its been building up since last Mother's Day when dad told me to look into a transfer. I mean, lets look at the list here of shitty things that happened to me since then:
Broke up with Janie and she wouldn't speak to me
Steve was murdered
Leigh-Lane died
Roland died from stomach cancer
Tara broke my heart, as most women seem to do
now Kevin is dead.
I couldn't take it anymore. I'm glad I had this cry. I feel a lot better. I know it will probably happen tomorrow too. Dad wants me to call Mom. Kevin and her were good friends, since they went to Johnson and Wales. Its so scary. Roland and Kevin were around my parents' age. I'm just glad no one was here to see me cry. I hate feeling so weak like that. Well, I'm going to go. Peace
 
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